*rap mode engaged*


this is the stupidest shit ever.

continue wid ur life pls.


Strawberries and Nutella
Chicken strips
Pretzels (bread)
more bread.
more bread.
Chili flakes. does this count?

Strawberry milkshakes
Iced Tea
Sprite... (+ juice / ice cream)

The Dead

The dead need no fancy materials
The dead need no embellished robes
The dead need nothing other than your memory to live on

They will live on until your memory fades
They will live on until the story ends
But it will never end, and those worth remembering are never forgotten.

The dead do not need flowers, do not need huge empty halls, do not need well made coffins.

We hold them with us in our memory, in our soul. And through that they live with us.

Cherish the present, don't dwell on the past. Don't worry too much about the future. You'll miss an opportunity in front of you if you blind yourself to times past and future.

RIP loved ones.


Visions past
Darkness grows
Light everlasting
All shudders

Pain seeps
Tears drip
Dreams fade
Things end

Flowers bloom
Clouds part
Wind blows
All brightens

You discover love when you discover pain
You discover pain when you discover love

You discover misery when you discover happiness
You discover happiness when you discover misery


When you love someone so much.  You want them so happy. But you also want to be happy. What are you willing to sacrifice?

What pain are you willing to endure? 

For the sake of their joy...

The Other World Part 1

       Darkness fell. Forests burned with an eerie orange tinge. A lone entity stood among the chaos. Knowledge is its food, its life source, so it watched everything despite a little fearful. Very deep inside the entity glowed a faint blue light - the heart of the entity... no, the very essence and soul. The soul thrives on knowledge, but more so on love, compassion, and kindness. Purple swirls guard the soul, constantly twirling about, wary of threats.  The entity itself is a sapphire blue shadow, tinged with black from the Darkness. It didn't mind though, the blackness also serves as a camouflage with the coming abyss. 

        Smoke crawls forth, blanketing what's left of the once lively world.  Embers shine through every now and then, glimmering like how stars once lit up the sky.  Small flecks of light peek from a crack within the Earth.  A curious spark, the colour of an emerald, floats through the air. Some of the orange timber singes the green spark, causing it to darken in pain.  The spark sinks towards the ground, momentarily lost and blinded.  Darkness seeps in, mixing some of its black with the beautiful green.  A bright light erupts from a nearby flame, forcing the Darkness away.  It sheds some of its luminescence onto the spark.  From the distance, the entity noticed the explosion, and slowly draws towards it.  It moves so slowly, as if burdened by some great weight.  Somehow, despite being sluggish, the entity still carried grace.  The spark now evolved, had an orange tinge among its exquisite green shine, along with bits of black left over from Darkness.  It was quite a marvelous sight;  the black tinge only served to bring out the colours of the spark. 

* * *

       The entity finally reached the site of the explosion, at first seeing nothing but destruction. Then it noticed the emerald spark.  How curious.  Thin orange strands of light danced about it. Spots of black mixed with the stunning green shine.  It reminded the entity of itself. A small ember lands on the entity. One of the purple strands quickly removes it.  The entity feels nothing, accustomed to pain and having experienced worse; it could not be bothered by such insignificance.  The entity walks away, but not before inviting the green spark to follow.  Both hesitant and still wary of each other, they continue their journey together.  A small pink lotus that survived in this abyss blossomed among the wreckage.  The entity notices, its soul glowing a bit brighter as it collects the flower and trudges on.

* * *

       Darkness.  The light from the green spark was no longer there to guide the entity; the spark had left.  Entity moved on. Each step taking more effort than the last. Pain creeped in, the blackness taking over the deep sapphire. Times like these is why the entity does not dare to shine like the orange embers of the earth, like the bright green spark.  The soul of the entity, so well hidden from the Darkness but always aware of the menace, was so deeply buried in the entity for safety.  The soul, filled with so much love and kindness, despite the cruelty it has suffered, reached out searching for the green spark.


The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable - they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.  - Ernest Hemingway

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
Jedi vs Sith by monstars753There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - XMEN 

Creating to share

to all the people who appreciate music

Let the bass beat your heart
Let the rhythm lead your steps
Let the music flow through...
And guide you to the end
                     ~ V


There's this place called Hope about 130 kilometers from where I live. I always see the name in the highway signs when I drive back home from a night out. It would say something like, Hope - 120 kilometers.

Back before I had a car I still saw those signs when I was being driven or when I walked by the highway. It was a strange sign to me and although I knew that the place was probably some crappy little city before heading into the wilderness and passing into Alberta, I still felt like it was some magical place that everyone needs to visit one day.

It's something I never shared with anyone, seeing the signs for Hope and seeing it so far away. It was such a sad thought that never failed to fuck my mood up and it always confused me as to why.

I promised myself that one day I would see it and I would be glad that Hope was nothing but a small city in a small area in this small world. But I never end up reaching it, no matter how much I try to go there.

There's always an excuse; it's too hard to get there, It's too rainy, I don't have enough money. But really there's no reason for me to go there.

Hope is just so far away from me.

To hell and not back

I'm no stranger to the darker side of life, most people know that, but for some strange reason I decided to test my limits during late January and all of February.

To begin with, I was never truly addicted to anything before. I would dip a toe in some cold debauchery but I would never truly submerge myself into it. It's not that I was scared, or that I knew better, it's just that I could not afford being addicted (hehehe).

But I learned the hard way that addiction can sneak up to you and you never really know when you enter it. You only learn you're addicted when you're already half way through and you suddenly decide to assess your situation. Those who are truly strong will identify this sooner than others, but I wasn't one of those people.

Pills were my white whale.

I was already walking a crooked path when it began. An old friend of mine decided to come back from University and she was not exactly the kind of person you were eager to let your parents meet. She was the kind of person that you know 100% would live a much more diverse and interesting life than most people you would meet. She knew people, she knew places, she knew things, and most importantly, she did a lot of drugs.

There are those who will have some inkling of a person in the back of their mind when they're with them. Maybe they are silently judging them and they are behaving as they are because they don't exactly respect them. Maybe I'm too naive but I prefer to think of people and their decisions as their own way to make a sculpture. They start off with the armature, making sure they have a good foundation by going to schooling or learning different trades. Then they make mistakes and unknowingly they're scumbling the sharper curves of their sculpture. Then there are those that try to fix those mistakes by going over it again or by completely taking off that part of the sculpture. But then there are those that continue mould themselves from their mistakes. I respect the people who embrace their mistakes more and learn from them instead of trying to hide them and be absolutely ashamed about them.

That's why I liked this old friend of mine, Lisa. I knew she made mistakes in her life, and I knew she regretted a lot of the things she did, but she continued doing the things she loved and letting it instead define her character instead of trying to fit in some mould that society has already preset for her.

My own personal belief is that mind altering substances and the sort are an experience akin to having sex when it comes to personal experiences. It's just something you have to try at least once to know if you like it or not. People who have lived rich full lives without drugs are plenty, but so are people who have lived rich full lives without sex. It's a different kind of wine that is frowned upon by the general public, but is recommended if you decide to enjoy life in a different perspective. 

But like all things, moderation is most important.

I don't blame Lisa, I blame myself. She was just a conduit for my own terrible deeds. 

First Night:
I had just found out that Lisa had returned two days before and she was already trying to contact me. I was already spending most of the time doing weed with a certain friend of mine during the night and that was tame in my standards. She had invited me to go raving with her and her friends during the weekend and though I felt that I shouldn't I went with them anyway.

The first night was Benzos, MDMA, Weed, and alcohol

Second Night:
It was a day after raving. I had hooked up with one of Lisa's friends and we went together to a dorm party an hour away from where I lived. I didn't drive there, we instead took public transit. Also we were on weed.
We met up with Lisa at the party and she gave me a cocktail of multi-coloured pills that I happily downed with some beer. Yes yes yes, the ride never ends.
It was during this time, a gathering of terrible people doing terrible things under a large roof, that Lisa decided to remind me that we used to date. It was a short things, only 3 months but I broke it off because she was far too wild for me. But that was 3 years ago.

Third Night:
This was the morning after the dorm party. Most of the night was heavy drinking and heavy smoking but I still ended up in a bed somewhere, but I was with Lisa. 
We walked together to a Subway and she decided to confront me with ideas of getting back together and shit that no-one should ever bring up during a hangover and a drug low.
Eventually we went to a park and we did some weed and some more Benzos. Yay. 
I went home at late afternoon and looked for a job. Then when it hit 2am I drove to my friends place and we smoked more weed while we talked about music.

Fourth Night:
Lisa was talking to me now as if we were dating again. It was a weird thing she did because she didn't want me flirting or playing around with her friends. I went with it because she was the one giving me free stuff - yes I am a man-whore.
Three days after the party, Lisa comes over to my place and asks if I can drive her somewhere. I said that I was too fucked up on weed to drive so I gave her my keys so she could do her groceries and go shopping. Then my best friend tells me that he forgot his wallet in my car.
I ended up telling Lisa to hurry the fuck up and bring the car back or drive to my friends place to drop off the wallet.
She ended up driving to my friends place and waiting there 30 minutes because we couldn't get a hold of my friend.
For some goddamn reason I got really angry and found out where my best friend was. He was with his other friends playing card games. So I drove there, threw his wallet at him and yelled at him in front of all his friends.


I am pretty sure that I did this position at least five times during this time

Fifth Night:
I had lost my best friend because I yelled at him and gave him shit for no real reason. I felt like absolute shit and Lisa was there to console me. It was during this time that a giant snowstorm decided to grace us with its presence and shit graciously all over our perfectly good roads. 
I decided I wanted to walk in the snow so Lisa and I dressed up in snow-hiking gear and walked 11 miles in the storm. We packed hard-boiled eggs, lots of water, two phones, half an ounce of weed, and a half filled bottle of pills.
Oh god it was the most beautiful walk ever. I'm not even going to try to describe it. Maybe in 10 years when I can write better. But writing it now would only sully the beauty of it all.

Sixth Night:
I decided to sleep more at Lisa's place now. We were waking up together and smoking and it gave me a reason to keep going. We were stuck indoors for the next two days because of the intense snow but we made it work. As the snow slowed down we decided to celebrate by going out and partying in clubs. I met up with Lisa's friends again and my old friend MDMA. 

Lisa and I couldn't sleep properly. We'd wake up 20 minutes into our sleep or something similar and then we couldn't sleep again. We were up for five days before I passed out for 16 hours. I'm not even sure that I was asleep for all 16 hours. I fell asleep hugging her as she played pocket trains on her iPhone and I woke up in a Tim Hortons 40 minutes away. I was panicked but I felt better as I saw Lisa come out of the bathroom. I never felt a fear as scary as waking up in a fast food restaurant at 2pm and not seeing anyone I know.
This was when I figured out I was addicted.

Where's the happy ending?

Honestly I don't know yet if there is a happy ending to this all. I just decided to write this down in hopes that it might help me decide what to do now. I don't think it has HAHA.

That's what my conscience is telling me right now. My conscience is a Chansey.