Being part of a group was not something I aimed for. It just sort of happens. To regular people I seem like an anomaly, some cut-out character from a movie or book that they might have read or heard of. Intriguing was a word that was used to describe me quite frequently.

But once they get to know me and delve deeper into my personality they realize that things become too real. Is it my fault that the very thing they admire in me is also the thing they suddenly begin fearing? There are those who feel that they are okay with the darker actions as long as it protected others. A sense of greater good, or justice if you will. There are those who think they can handle a bit of fire and chaos in their life but if you introduce to them just enough to singe them slightly they begin to fear a deep burning and completely back off.

I left a trail of bad friendships and hatred towards me when all I wanted was some companionship. I couldn't help what I was and all the negativity towards me grew into such a weight that it pulled me down and made me feel like I was never going to fit in and there would be no reason to continue. I was a mistake and I didn't know how to fix myself.

Then I met others like me. Some called them outcasts and thugs. I called them friends. A type of friendship that transcended stupid drama and instead stepped quickly into an unspoken agreement of trust through fire.



When you love someone so much, you start to understand the "cheesiness" that people describe; that they do not understand.  The feeling that many artists have tried to capture, but failed to do so.  Not because they are incompetent, but simply because it is impossible.  The feeling of happiness that comes from such genuine love. True happiness.  It cannot be captured in any art form.  Too complex, too potent to describe in words, song, pictures.  

One does not understand it until he/she experiences it.  It overcomes you.  

It is like when you sink to the very bottom when you are depressed. When you lose something or someone dear to you.  When that abyss closes in and you can't see anything else but darkness.  Or when you have a panic attack. A phobia.

Except it's the exact opposite.

You're soaring. Elated. No, not even those words suffice. 

You only understand when you feel it. 

what if

What if you could control the weather?
What if you could see glimpses of the future?

The future is dangerous to see.  Most of the time, whether you believe in this or not, the fact is visions usually show negative things.  Bad things that are going to happen or might happen.  The problem is knowing which one.  Seeing the future is a burden too; it causes you to worry.  Some things can't be changed. 

But some things can, and this is where the worry drops in.  Should you do something about it? Or let it happen?  What if you could prevent the death of one you loved? Or is the vision only a warning? A sign not to do something.

Ignorance is bliss... is it not? Albeit not genuine happiness or bliss, but bliss nonetheless. Who's to judge?
TIL boners can daze

that is all.

That moment when...

So have you ever have that moment where you're not sure what it is... like you got hit in that area but u got a bruise in a specific area that u dont remember getting hit.. but then you're not sure if it's a bruiser or a pimple or a mosquito bite or something.. so you're just sitting there like this hurts and i'm not sure why?

koo well it looks like i got punched in the eye. eyelid is like. swollen or something.
but i didn't get punched in the eye. so. it hurts when i blink. that's cool.

on a lighter note

it's sunny. :D


Smoothies are so good.  


Thanks for reading. 

life sucks

people suck
what i hate most about ppl 

1) hypocrites
do what you preach
set the example
also this is how you win arguments. most ppl are hypocrites. literally just throw what they said back at 'em and most of the time they're fuckin speechless.  or tell you to shut up. u know you've won an argument when someone says the following: 'shut up', 'whatever', 'fine' etc.

2) when people use their gender as an excuse for their attitude

attitude has NOTHING to do with gender. stop using it as an scapegoat. most of you are fuckin using this as an excuse to justify your attitude.  only a handful of ppl can rightfully blame their gender ... actually their hormones. for instance some ppl do have innate high testerone, or high hormone activity when they have their period and what not.  that is not ENTIRELY their fault but there is still something called WILLPOWER and there is always HELP like medical help.

3) liars.
4) cocky assholes

!@#$ life *MATURE CONTENT*


u know
alwys fuckin IRKED

wtf is up with fuckin retards. how hard is it to fuckin have some fuckin discipline
how hard is it to fuckin quit being a fuckin piece of ass motherfuckin bitch

if u're gonna be a fuckin parent they should fuckin have a fuckin test to make sure u're actually fuckin legible to have a fuckin kid

if u're a fuckin adult dont fucking mock ur child. shit is retarded. are YOU the child? no. SET the fuckin example. if u act like a child how the FUCK do u expect your child to grow the fuck up? YOU CANT. YOU'RE LUCKY IF THEY DO CAUSE SOMEHOW THEY'RE SMART ENOUGH TO READ BOOKS AND TEACH THEMSELVES MANNERS AND MORALES HOLY SHIT

also if u have a fuckin loved one fuckin LOVE THEM


# hate life

cuz um 4/20

Imagine you're a dragon. Or a bird. of you want to just be you that's fine

But picture yourself soaring through the beautiful sky. Clear blue, no clouds, sunny.  Feel the wind caress your entire body.  Slowly open your eyes to see below a stunning waterfall.  Thunderous yet peaceful.  You dive down with the waterfall and into the lake below.  Cold splashes all over you.  You turn around and face the sky, blurred by the surface of the water. 

Burst through the surface and land on the soft warm grass.  Soak up the sun's heat and listen to the birds sing.  Feel the rhythm of the drum. Let all pass.

What is strength?

One of the hardest things I've experienced is seeing the one you love so angry and upset and knowing you were part of the reason to cause him or her to be like that.  It doesn't even have to be on purpose.  You could think the other person is fine but something could have happened so they are more sensitive. Things you say that are normally okay hurt them, and in doing so, ends up hurting you.  

When you love someone so much, you want them to be smiling and be happy as much as possible.  Just sensing they are in pain or seeing them hurt, brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness in my heart.  The hardest type of courage and strength stems from overcoming that feeling.  Overcoming the want to cry, that sinking feeling, so you can be strong and cheer them up.  Why?  Because if they're already hurting, seeing you hurt will just exacerbate the situation.  So you hold it back... let it out later, somewhere else. Or even better, it might be gone then. 

Distract yourself. Distract that person you love so much.  They'll forget their troubles. They will smile, making you smile.  

That, I believe, is genuine love.


Soul, the essence of our
Heart, which resides in the
Body, the instrument of the
Mind, influenced by the
Soul... seeks

Happiness, the ultimate goal
Darkness, the source of insidious
Thoughts, fear of being
One, the loneliest number.
People need to learn to SET the example, instead of simply preaching.  You should not plant hate in young children.  They need to learn things for themselves, figure out that not all people are bad.  The more you set prejudice and hate in your heart, you are passing it on... and that is how the hate never stops. Because children look up to you. It is built in them. They instinctively search for a model to learn from.  How else can they survive in a world they are new to? They watch habits and learn.  They watch what you DO not what you say.  


Gemstones are pretty friggin' awesome. So many colours, so many swirls. Different transparencies, different designs. Different shapes, different sizes.

Rocks in general are awesome.
You have rough ones - untouched by the flowing currents of water - the smooth ones that are brushed by these waves - shiny ones that have been polished by a curious adventurer - dusty ones that have been forgotten by old adventurers - and so on.

Rocks hold so many secrets, esp amber - containing DNA
Rocks are the foundation for so many buildings and natural structures 
Rocks can be used as tools, channel stones, or simply decorations.

who needs a title

That feel when the fear sinks in.
the fear of losing someone you hold so dear.
That person you've given everything to. 
That person you care so much for.
That person that fills your thoughts and the void that you had in your heart.

That fear of losing the only thing that's really keeping you alive - that showed the light of the abyss around you.  The only one that could make you laugh when no one else could.  The only star in the void.  

Then the pain appears.  Tears fall as leaves crumple to the ground in autumn... leaving the tree bare... leaving the soul bare and alone.  

Fear and pain of losing someone. 

But then you remember...

The joy that person brought.  The laughter you shared.  




A searing jet of flame spewed to my left.  I could feel the intense heat and smelled a deathly rotting stench.  Not able to register what those auburn coloured creatures were, I continued running while trying to put the picture together.  Parts of them glowed as if fire existed inside their bodies, but the glow was a ghastly green with strands of black drifting about.  Quickly glancing back, I saw long sharp claws penetrating the concrete and creating sparks as they scraped the debris around them.  Suddenly, a bright light blinded my view and my body instinctively reacted, seeking cover before I grasped what was happening.  ‘Too late,’ I thought, as I felt a tingling sensation creeping over my entire body.  Silence enveloped me.  Still conscious, I saw myself somehow as if I were looking into a mirror, except all was obsidian black except for my pale white figure.  Coarse black hair spiked in every direction, matching onyx eyes stared out from underneath, and before I saw the rest of my body the image dissipated into the darkness.  Head throbbing, vision returning, I attempted to move when a terrible chill paralyzed me. I slowly looked at my arms, then my body, and ultimate my feet. ‘No… it can’t be…’ I thought in horror. I have become one of them.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” screamed a man near me as he discovered his transformation.
“Klarsha mic mahana detara mas” whispered a voice I could not recognize until I realized the sound came from me.  I began losing control of my body as this entity took over and a surge of power leaped through me.  I understood the creature’s language and purpose, felt the strength and astounding endurance of this new body… and liked it.  Then images of my childhood flashed by; the beatings, the yelling, the arguing… and I felt at home with this new entity.  I had a family now, these creatures saw me as their new found leader somehow, and whether my internal anger fueled and inspired them I have no clue.  Determined to take this opportunity to create a new start, I focused on all the misfortunate events of my life to intensify my anger.  Feeling the monster’s fear and disbelief, I struggled harder, eager to gain its knowledge and abilities and eventually managed to overwhelm the other into submission.  I absorbed the creature’s wisdom and finished my transformation.  Finally able to see, I noticed the others were watching, watching with those glowing green eyes with a newfound respect.  Apparently I was worthy to be their new leader; the previous one had led them into war with another clan and broke a thousand year old alliance.  Our faction, the Sha’rak, had endeavoured to reform order but was overpowered by the other clan. They fled their homes and ended up here… in New York of all places. 
 I observed our surroundings; the formerly beautiful and bright park was now charred and buildings in ruins.  As I turned my attention back to the horde, a low humming began, vibrating throughout my body.   I was mutating again, this time, thankfully, with less toil.  I was their leader, and therefore had to be more resilient, nimble, and charismatic… if that was even possible.  My skin thickened to a plate of armor, enormous razor sharp wings sprouted from my back, and glowing eloquent patterns revealed themselves, much more elegant and ornate than the minions waiting before me.   Delighted at my impeccable physical form, I let out a surge of green blaze.  The Sha’rak turned their head upwards and let out a hopeful cry in return.  Flexing my muscles, I led the Sha’rak towards the abyss from where they appeared and descended into the comfort of the warm earth.  The luminescence from our emerald eyes lit the way as we headed to confront the former leader and restore alliance Mak’nah.

What a strange life

It never ceases to amaze me just how life has decided to take the wheel with my life recently. For those who don't believe in fate, you're clearly missing out.

Some may call me lucky but I create my own luck at times and when I do it's mostly bad luck. People only seem to notice achievements but they fail to realize that similar to tetris, mistakes pile up and achievements will disappear but will give you a sense of pride that is akin to collecting points.

Nevertheless I built up a collection of bad blocks over the past couple years and maybe that one line block that I've been waiting for has finally decided to show its face for me.

It's a strange feeling writing about something other than a deep sadness or facetious rant but this is something that I've been putting off because recently I could not seem to form any coherent thought or blurb about something as complex as love.

Being a person who requires time to process and plan things out, I felt that my surge of impulsiveness required a much longer time to regurgitate into some words. So here it is, a sense of nothingness that I hope will become something more for the ones who wish to understand my scribbling.

I've been breaking a lot of rules and comfort zones and though everyone seems to frown upon my decisions, I feel - No - I know that the decisions I've made have been fruitful and positive.

People say not to love too fast because you leave yourself vulnerable.

People say not to test the waters with both feet.

People say not to rely on others for happiness.

People say that happiness comes from within.

People say that in order to be happy with someone, you must first be happy with yourself.

And these people are not wrong. These people are those who have molded themselves with the same fire that I seek. Experiences that they have trudged through and the hurt they have felt have given them every right to preach and warn.

But maybe I don't fear what they fear.

Maybe I seek something different and maybe I want to be different. I am a different person than most and that's something that I've grown to accept.

Maybe I've found someone that I feel deserves what I can provide and more.

Maybe I've found someone who will hold my hand as we jump into these waters together.

Maybe I've found someone who gives me a strange warmth that makes me feel as though happiness is something that is both physical and mental.

Maybe I've found someone who needs me as much as I need them.

Maybe I've found someone that is broken like me and we can fix each other with one step at a time.

And maybe I've found someone who keeps me up at night and makes me unable to sleep because reality is finally better than my dreams.

I was never the kind of person to follow rules anyway.

Music - mostly metal and house/dubstep


Walk With Me In Hell - Lamb of God
115 - Treyarch Sound, Brian Tuey...
Abigail - Motionless In White
Alerion - Asking Alexandria 
Apologies Are For The Weak - Miss May I
Before I Forget - Slipknot
Concrete Jungle - Black Label Society
Creatures - Motionless In White
Dragging Dead Bodies.. - Escape the Fate
Ember - Zao
Masses of a Dying Breed - Miss May I
Mr. Torture - Helloween


Tootie Roll - Chronic Crew
Embers (original mix) - Feed me & Lindsay
Spaceman (original) - Hardwell
Energy Drink - Virtual Riot
Relocation - Feed Me
The Island Part I - Pendulum
The Island Part II
Trapdoor (original mix) - Feed Me